I meant to start posting regularly again....But right when I got back in the swing of things,wouldnt you know my mom started her crap again...I really dont think the woman is ever going to just let me go....Every so often she goes off on one of her trips and cusses and screams,and tells me how worthless I am....You know when I was a teenager living at home I got use to this stuff...In fact it was more natural than not....But now that Im grown,married,kids,own house ect...when she does this it always seems to hit twice as hard than it use to...The bad thing about her recent behavior was that the kids and Joe and my dad was all right there to watch and hear her whole event....Plus most of the neighborhood...When she was done all I could do was drop my head and crawl off...She really knows how to reach deep inside and jerk out whatever pride and self esteem I manage to build up....I've came to the conclusion that it just isnt ever going to get any better...My mom is just never going to respect me or treat me like a human being...To her im always going to be so far beneath her..never good enough...And of course when she pulls these stunts,it brings back aot of painful memories that I fight so hard to keep buried away and never think about....Latley when the kids are in bed and Joe is at work and im here all alone...All I do is think and remember and even though its been so many years ago...It still hurts just like it was yesturday....And even though she knows how much her actions hurt me...it seems like she takes some sort of pride in doing it.I'll never understand why she does these things to me....or why she was so hard on me when I was growing up....All I really know is that I really wish it would just stop....But who am I kidding...I can avoid her...not call...not visit...just ignore her and she'll still get to me....even if she has to send a message to me by someone else or call me and blast me the second I pick up the phone or better yet..come knock on the door and start....Im doing alot better now,but this last episode really took me down hard...My nerves have been shattered so bad it made me physically sick...depressed ect...For two weeks I tried to sleep life away...I figured if I wasnt awake nothing could hurt me...And every noise would cause me to jump totally in a panic...Use to mom would hide from my dad and Joe when she wanted to say or do something mean...because she didnt want anyone to know but me...But now it dont matter...she'll blast me right in front of everyone...In fact the more attention she can draw the worse she gets....It got to the point that I seriously considered going to the police...the only reason I didnt was because no matter what she does or has ever done....I do respect her....And basically if I done that then I would not be able to see my dad...And I love my daddy so much...He is so different than mom...Although he does try to keep her under control...He cant watch her 24/7 and like I said it dont matter anymore what he says or does to her...If she takes the notion to hurt me she dont care about him...All she focuses on is me and what all she can do and say to rip me apart...Out of everything that happened....What really hurt me the most was the fact that she yelled at my kids and cussed Joe out and told everyone that would listen that I was unfit and trash....Mothers dont treat thier kids like that...I would rather die a million deaths as to ever hurt my kids so badly... Life has just really been messed up for me recently.... And I know its a pure miracle I didnt have a total nervous breakdown.... Someone once said "When you hit the bottom the only way to go is UP.... Well im going back up.... I just hope she dont figure that out and shoot me back down again any time soon... I just dont know how much more I can take from her until I reach the breaking point... I pray everynight that God will go somewhere deep inside of her...to a place that i've never been able to reach...And make her stop.... I remember too clearly the times when I was little she told me she hated me...or that I had ruined her life...or all the hits and punches I took for no reason at all...And I notice that im almost 30 years old now...And it's really time for it to STOP... Thats always been easier said than done....

Oh Becca! Hang in there okay? xoxoxo

My heart goes out to you Becca. Please dont allow your mother to beat you down. It's her that has the problem, dont take it on your own shoulders.....just pity her and know that at least you are a valuable person who deserves better.

Hi Becca sorry I've been gone having surgery and away from the computer. So sad someone is that miserable in their own skin that they have to make others feel bad. Becca you are a great persn and wonderful mom. I can tell from your writings you have survived alot of pain in your life. Maybe you just need to accept the fact that your mom's dysfunction is not your fault and it is not your job to fix her. Too bad you can't see your dad without her around. Sometimes you just have to do what's right for you and forget everyone and everything else. Hang in there Becca you deserve so much better than you have gotten.

Hi Becca - well, I think you and Joe and the kids should move somewhere far away and not let your mom know where you live. I am not kidding. You know she will do this over and over. How can you respect her?? I mean she cussed your husband?, she talks badly about you in front of your children? look what she is doing to your family. Why let her?? Your number one priority is your family, not HER family, there is a difference Becca. Actuall, if you don't protect your family from her, you will not be a good parent or a good wife. Sorry, but that is the truth.

I wish that I could say something that will take all the pain and suffering away, You are a very strong woman and with the love of your husband and kids you will get through this. I wish you all the strength that you need to put space between you and your mum . at least till she realises that she is totally out of order for the way she has treated you over the years.